Never Been Kissed: A Parody
by fagur fiskur
Summary: A parody script of the episode, in which Sam is incapable of keeping his shirt on, Puck is a jerk and gains a new friend out of it and Kurt is yet again treated like the show's punching bag.


**A/N: **Because I was bored and this was already lying around almost finished. I just typed out the ending and posted it. The whole thing took about two hours I think. Hopefully you'll enjoy it all the same.

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**Never Been Kissed**

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We open to SAM taking his shirt off. At this point in the season his nipples have had about as much screen time as him. It is possible that he is allergic to shirts.

He jumps into a tub full of ice, because apparently QUINN isn't putting out and it's making him distractingly horny (in a locker room full of half-naked, sweaty boys…?). FINN is dealing with pretty much the same problem, only he doesn't see the need for tubs full of ice. Why?

FINN: Almost committing vehicular manslaughter does wonders for your stamina.

SAM: Any way to kill my boner without, you know, also doing it to a civil servant?

FINN: Try picturing Coach Beiste naked. Not- not that I've ever done that.

SAM: Cool.

And we have our first plot. I really hope they don't sing about that one, because that would make for some awkward song choices ('When I think about you / I don't have to touch myself'?).

We cut to KURT and TINA walking down the hallway, being fabulous as usual (and KURT being even prettier than usual, if I might add), when KAROFSKY comes out of nowhere like the freaking boogieman and slams KURT into a locker.

KURT seems shaken by this, which is our first clue that this isn't your average run-of-the-mill bullying-for-comedic-affect that GLEE is so fond of.

Anyway, TINA and KURT walk into the choir room just as glee rehearsal is starting, and would you look at that, PUCK is back! And, more importantly, so is his mohawk.

MR. SCHUE announces their competition for Sectionals, an a cappella group from an all-boys' school called Dalton Academy (why is an a cappella group competing against a show choir anyway?).

SANTANA: Lol, gay.

KURT: *glare*

MR SCHUE ignores this bit of casual homophobia and tells the kids that they will also be competing against the Hipsters, a show choir consisting entirely of old people getting their high school diplomas.

RACHEL and MERCEDES feel threatened by this for some reason, but PUCK is quick to reassure them that this in no way stops his plan of using violence to secure them a win at Sectionals.

MR. SCHUE also ignores this (wait, didn't EMMA tell him like four episodes ago that he was the best teacher at McKinley? Man, those children have no future, do they?).

MR. SCHUE: Boys vs. Girls, whoo!

EVERYONE: Yay!

Mr. SCHUE: Kurt, you's a boy, remember? Boys' team.

KURT: Not yay.

Cut to later. PUCK grabs ARTIE'S wheelchair in the hallway and ARTIE assumes that this is to push him down the stairs, proving once again that the bullies on GLEE are all psychopaths.

PUCK: Don't be stupid, I'm just going to follow you around everywhere because I don't want to go back to juvie.

ARTIE: Come again?

PUCK: You're my community service.

ARTIE: Okay, that's like six different kinds of offensive, but I'm not gonna call you out on that because I like my body in one piece.

PUCK: Good boy. Now let's go steal some shit.

ARTIE: How'd you end up in juvie again?

Cut to KAROFSKY slamming KURT into the lockers again. Poor kid is not having a good day.

KURT: WTF?

KAROFSKY: What, you want a piece of the fury?

KURT: …No thanks. I may be gay, but I have standards.

KAROFSKY: That hurts. Also, the fury is my fist.

KURT: Yeah, no, still sounds pretty homoerotic to me.

KAROFSKY shoves him again, and MR. SCHUE _finally _notices.

Cut to MR. SCUE'S office.

MR. SCHUE: Any way I can help? I _am _a teacher, you know.

OMG, Mr. SCHUE is being competent? Let's see how long this lasts.

KURT: No thanks, I can do this by myself.

MR. SCHUE: Welp, I tried.

Wow, ten whole seconds.

MR. SCHUE: Also, what's with your anger issues lately? You'd think constant bullying would be something a teenage boy should be able to deal with by himself, without being all pissy about it.

KURT: Everyone is homophobic. The bullies, you, that lamp, everyone. I'm sick of it. Also, I wanna be on the girls' team!

MR. SCHUE: Well, unless you somehow manage to grow boobs in the next week I don't see that happening.

Cut to the choir room, where MR. SCHUE appears to have taken KURT'S words to heart. Oh no, not about the homophobia. About his lesson plans being boring and repetitive. Because _that's _the truly important part.

MR. SCHUE: Boys, you're gonna sing like girls and girls, you're gonna sing like boys.

KURT: Yay!

OTHER BOYS: Not yay.

Cut to the boys meeting to decide on their song choices and such. KURT has taken over and is being an adorable little diva, but the other boys will have none of that.

PUCK: Dude, why don't you go spy on Homo Academy and leave the singing to us?

KURT storms off, understandably offended. The other boys are (less understandably) confused.

Cut to SAM and QUINN making out in front of a fireplace. SAM, having apparently not had his ice cube bath yet, is having… control issues. It doesn't help that QUINN is being all assertive and aggressive and shit, which only makes her hotter (and now I kind of want to make out with her). SAM seems to be getting pretty close to… arriving… judging by the funny faces he's making.

Cue fantasies of COACH BEISTE in lacy underwear, chopping meat.

SAM: Yeah, that'll do it.

QUINN: *is assertive and aggressive and shit* Say my name bitch.

SAM: Mmm, Beiste…

QUINN: Wut?

SAM does not catch on his little Freudian slip and they continue making out, though I can imagine with a lot less fervor from QUINN'S side.

Cut to QUINN, complaining about her problem to the only person who ever does anything around this place: SUE.

QUINN: We were making out and he said Coach Beiste's name. He's cheating on me with her, that's the only logical conclusion.

SUE: That is the single most disturbing thing I have ever heard.

QUINN: Please, do something about this!

SUE: I could get her fired.

QUINN: A woman's job versus my new, unstable relationship with a guy who apparently cheats on me the minute I don't put out? Let's do this!

Cut to PUCK and ARTIE busking on school grounds. ARTIE thinks this is badass, since he's never broken the rules like this before, except for the part where he totally has. And it wasn't so badass back then, was it?

Everyone seems to love the two of them singing, which goes against everything we've ever seen in this series before, but hey, it probably helps that RACHEL isn't with them this time. Also, since PUCK'S mohawk grew back I guess he's got that fear thing going for him again.

ARTIE spots BRITTANY and goes all puppy eyes.

PUCK: Why are you pining?

ARTIE: I totally didn't want her but now I do for some reason.

PUCK: Just go up to her then, that girl's easier to get into than an art college.

ARTIE: But I was kind of a jerk to her.

PUCK: *some bullshit sexist advice*

ARTIE: Well, if you put it that way…

Cut to Dalton Academy, where KURT has just arrived. He seems to be doing his best to blend in, wearing a black jacket, a red tie and _bondage shorts._

KURT: Excuse me, you, Harry Potter lookalike.

BLAINE: The name's Blaine, actually.

KURT: That's a major appliance, not a name. Anyway, I'm Kurt. Where's the fire?

BLAINE: No fire. The Warblers are just about to sing. Do you wanna see?

KURT: Sure.

BLAINE grabs his hand, prompting a confused yet happy (and completely adorable) look from KURT. Cut to them actually goddamn _frolicking_~down a hallway in _slow-motion _and everything. There's even some sweet piano music playing. It's the very definition of narm charm.

They arrive at the choir room.

BLAINE: Now excuse me new kid, while I go _blow your mind_.

Katy Perry's _Teenage Dream _starts up and BLAINE sings lead. He succeeds in blowing not only KURT'S mind, but the audience's as well. Also, he sings the entire song pretty much straight to KURT and it's the _sweetest thing ever ohmygodyouguys!_

Ahem, moving on…

The scene cuts rather startlingly to TINA and MIKE being devious and making out at school. TINA starts thinking about BEISTE in a tutu to cool herself off, destroying what little there was left of the audience's Darren Criss-induced high. She also accidentally says BEISTE'S name out loud, causing MIKE to freak out (dude, you just told your girlfriend that you use that woman to _cool yourself off! _Put the pieces together, you are not that big an idiot).

Cut to QUINN questioning SAM about his apparent infatuation with BEISTE. This plot is turning out to be the most awkward thing ever since KURT'S unfortunate crush on FINN in season one. Or since SUE caught JACOB BEN ISREAL naked in the school library. Or since MR. SCHUE'S awkward attempts to win EMMA back through Rocky Horror. Or since… this show has a lot of awkward moments, doesn't it?

Anyway, BEISTE goes over to see what's going on, only to have QUINN snap at her (man, that girl has some balls). MR. SCHUE witnesses the commotion and decides to get to the bottom of this (because this is clearly much more important than, say, your students getting physically assaulted in the hallways).

Cut to MIKE and SAM explaining to MR. SCHUE what's going on. He's understandably angry about this, though it's hard to buy into his righteous speech about outsiders and making each other feel welcome when he hasn't exactly been walking the walk lately (don't worry sweetie, you'll get your chance at redemption in two episodes or so).

Now we're back at Dalton, where the Warblers are apparently much more forgiving of competitors coming and spying on them than New Directions, having bought KURT coffee and everything. Also, KURT changed his clothes for some reason. Has he been having illicit sex in between scenes, and if so, why didn't we get to watch that instead of the awkward BEISTE cool-down plot thread?

KURT: *thanks them for the coffee* Well, this is a first. It's almost like you guys aren't planning on beating me up.

WES: Now why would we do that?

DAVID: You are far too endearing. It'd be like beating up a kitten.

BLAINE: Back off bitch, I saw him first.

KURT: Wow, this place is like gay Hogwarts or something.

BLAINE: Pfft, we're not _all_ gay. I mean, I totally am though*wink wink*

WES: A lot of people ask us that, but we just have a zero harassment policy. It's basically the same thing.

KURT looks a little devastated at that, so BLAINE shoos his friends away. This is the extent of their time on screen for this episode, but they still get a decent sized fanbase just from those couple of lines. Such is the power of GLEE.

KURT and BLAINE have a heartfelt moment that I can't for the life of me make fun of without feeling like an asshole, so here's the gist of it: KURT does not like being bullied (who'd have guessed), BLAINE was bullied at his old school and he didn't much like it either (shock. awe.) so he transferred to Dalton. He regrets running and encourages KURT to stand up to his bullies, which I'm sure he wouldn't have done if he'd ever actually seen KAROFSKY. Either that or he's just terrible at giving advice.

The scene ends, much to the dismay of every fangirl watching, and we cut to the girls planning their songs.

PUCK and ARTIE crash the party to talk to SANTANA and BRITTANY.

ARTIE: We just came here to tell you guys that we're not interested in you in any way whatsoever.

Reverse psychology? _Really_? I mean, BRITTANY would probably fall for it, but there's no way that SANTANA'S stupid enough to-

SANTANA: You're so cool.

BRITTANY: I'm totally attracted to you now.

Ugh. Thank you girls, for making such a spectacular case for misogynists everywhere.

PUCK: Breadstix, tonight, at 7. Be there. We probably won't, though.

Cut to BEISTE confronting MR. SCHUE about his students' odd behavior. He stupidly tells her what's going on in one of the most awkward conversations ever put on screen (though to be fair, she sort of cornered him). She is (of course) hurt and leaves.

Cut to Breadstix, where PUCK is bragging about his time in juvie. Also waffles for some reason. Everybody's totally buying into it and ARTIE'S still using PUCK'S _brilliant_ plan of being a jerk to the girl he likes, which is still inexplicably working (or maybe not so inexplicably. This is BRITTANY after all).

PUCK: Then I be like 'leggo my eggo'. And the dude totally let's go of my eggo.

BRITTANY: That's so cool.

ARTIE: Badass.

SANTANA: I think I saw a porno that started like that once…

The waitress brings their check, which PUCK takes as their cue to dine and dash. But ARTIE for some reason isn't too keen on the idea, so he pays for all their dinners.

PUCK, in return for this good deed, leaves with both SANTANA and BRITTANY.

ARTIE: Wow, having a conscience sucks.

Cut to the choir room the next day or something, where the girls are performing their number. It's not really boyish so much as… well… let's just say that all that leather is _incredibly_ distracting.

While the girls are still singing, KURT gets a text message from BLAINE. He smiles all adorable-like and I was wrong before because _this is the sweetest thing ever, omigodyouguyswhatisair!_

After the number is over BECKY runs into the choir room with a note to MR. SCHUE from SUE, telling him to come to the auditorium. He does.

MR. SCHUE: This better be good, you're making me miss my students dressing up in leather.

SUE: We got Beiste fired. Or she quit. Whatever, we's be celebrating tonight! *uses her newly restored budget to fire two confetti canons, then laughs maniacally about it*

MR. SCHUE is not as happy, especially not when he finds out that it was because of his kids that BEISTE quit. Also, now there's all this confetti littering his auditorium and who do you think is gonna clean that up?

Cut to KURT walking down the hallway, looking at another text from BLAINE (which says the exact same thing as the last one, I might add, only this one is in CAPITAL LETTERS. Originality. BLAINE doesn't know it). That sweet piano music is playing too, as if KURT'S expression wasn't enough to let us to know that he's totally a smitten kitten.

KAROFSKY ruins that pretty quickly though, by knocking KURT'S phone out of his hands and slamming him into the lockers. He even scares the pretty piano music away.

KURT: Ow, WTF? My bruises have bruises at this point.

Well, bb ain't gonna take it lying back any more. He chases KAROFSKY into the boys' locker room, which in hindsight might not be such a good idea (witnesses are your friends, KURT).

KURT: I repeat, WTF?

KAROFSKY: What, you here to peek at my junk or something?

KURT: I- what?

KAROFSKY: Because that would so not turn me on.

Whatever, KURT brings down the noise some and gives KAROFSKY the verbal smack down of a lifetime, and it looks like he might actually walk away the winner this time. But then KAROFSKY -le gasp- kisses him!

AUDIENCE: OMGWTFBBQ?

FANGIRLS: Noooo! Get your filthy paws off our Kurt!

A FEW TWISTED FANGIRLS: *are disturbingly happy with this turn of event*

KAROFSKY leans in for another kiss, but KURT pushes him away (denied!), so he punches the lockers and storms out of there like he was somehow the one wronged.

Cut (again, rather startlingly) to MR. SCHUE berating the Glee kids for making BEISTE quit.

MR. SCHUE: I _genuinely _hope you guys are happy.

RACHEL: Do you even know the meaning of the word 'genuinely'?

MR. SCHUE: Shut up, I'm trying to shame you.

PRINCIPAL FIGGINS chooses that moment to enter, wanting to see PUCK is in his office please (but how can that be? PUCK has been _such _a model student lately).

Cut to FIGGINS' office where, as it turns out, hanging around a crippled boy, teaching him how to be a jerk to women and stealing his date _doesn't _qualify as community service (.).

PATROL OFFICER: Also, it's like six different kinds of offensive.

PUCK: Bullshit.

MR. SCHUE: Just pick up trash or something. Don't go back to juvie. _We care about you_.

FIGGINS: Please don't say you care about the students William, they're going to think they matter or something. Also, the Pedo!Will meme has enough fodder as is.

PUCK: Screw you guys, I'm going home.

He throws some of FIGGINS' stuff around (dude, uncalled for) and storms out of the office.

ADULTS: No. Don't go. Please. Welp, we tried.

Cut to KURT and BLAINE on their way to confront KAROFSKY (seriously BLAINE, you drove two hours in the middle of a school day just to help KURT with his bullying problem? Looks like KURT isn't the only smitten kitten here…).

They bump into KAROFSKY, who does his best to look menacing.

KAROFSKY: Is that your boyfriend, Kurt? You sure move on quick. I mean, not that I care or anything…

BLAINE: Hand off my man. We're here for a gaytervention.

KAROFSKY: Lol, not gonna happen.

BLAINE: Welp, I tried.

KURT: *sad sigh of sadness*

BLAINE: What's wrong? You know, aside from the homophobic jerkass sexually assaulting you and then lying about it?

KURT: That was my first kiss! Oh, if _only _I could get a _real kiss _from a gay guyI actually _like_!

BLAINE: How 'bout I buy you lunch?

KURT: …You're not very good at taking hints, are you?

BLAINE: Italian or Chinese?

Cut to an awkward scene of MR. SCHUE convincing BEISTE to stay at McKinley. She's apparently never been kissed before, so he gives her a pity kiss (and that's supposed to help her… how?) and that somehow convinces her to stay.

Cut to ARTIE and PUCK in the hallway. Since hanging around a disabled person is not considered real community service (have I mentioned my shock and awe over this fact recently?), PUCK'S either gotta pick up trash or go to juvie.

PUCK: Screw this, I'm skipping town.

ARTIE: Wait, stay! I care about you all of a sudden!

PUCK: Wat?

ARTIE: I owe you man. You stole my date and made me pay for your dinner. Also, you used me to help you busk for cash… actually, I have no idea why I'm doing this. Feel free to leave.

PUCK: Your words have shown me the light. From now on, I'm going to turn my life around!

ARTIE: Um… win?

PUCK: Vagina handshake!

Meanwhile, KURT is standing by his locker, being all adorable smitten kitten again while looking at a photo of BLAINE he's hung up in his locker (which, yeah, how did he get that picture?). The pretty piano music is back, but so are the locker slams.

KURT: That's it, tomorrow I'm wearing full body armor!

He pretty much just sits there on the floor looking all dejected and defeated (does anybody else want to hug him right now? Like, more than usually?) while a teacher comes over to see how he's doing- no, wait, no one does anything. At all.

Cut to the boys in dapper little suits, preparing to sing an apology song for BEISTE. FINN and SAM compare her to candy... it's a little strange, but at least they're trying.

They sing a mash up of _Stop in the Name of Love / Free Your Mind_ which is about as girly as the girls' number was boyish (except there's no leather in this scene. Sadface). The boys are completely adorable in their suits and with their little bowties and… I lost my train of thought, because KURT just gave MERCEDES a lap dance.

Anyway, the number is over and of course BEISTE loves it. She and the boys have a grouphug and all is well that ends well except for the KAROFSKY situation and BEISTE still not having a proper first not-a-pity kiss and I guess SAM and FINN haven't gotten laid yet either…

END EPISODE


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